Yes, Journey. The “Don’t Stop Believin'” kind and the traveling for a purpose kind. The particular path that I am talking about is my never-ending and steady journey to become a healthier person. To say that it’s been a struggle for me is an understatement and I hesitate to even write about it because it is so very personal. I could probably write an entire book on the ups and downs of my weight extravaganza, but instead I am going to write about how I’m feeling now in hopes that maybe someone else is feeling the same way and wants a change. I feel that I cannot call this blog “Almost Her” without showing my very flawed personality and the steps that I am making to change and constantly improve myself. I still will have fun makeup posts but I also want to incorporate this to reach out to people and hopefully one day look back and see how far we’ve come. I like to journal a lot when I’m heavily into fitness and weight loss and although I will not share everything I write with you all, this is how my new journey starts and I want you all to be there for that. Here we go:
Well, I’m back to the one place I promised myself I wouldn’t go back to. Years ago when I saw 204lbs on the scale and decided it was time to change I thought I’d never see that number again…EVER…and I kept that promise for a long time. Years even! So here we are again and I’m even heavier than before. I really do feel like I let myself down and I feel that sense of failure in other areas of my life. This isn’t just about losing weight for me anymore, it’s about my quality of life. It’s about my health. It’s about my sanity. It’s about the pieces of my personality that I feel like left me as I put on each pound. It’s about Dan and it’s about living a fulfilled life as an example to my future children. Since I gained this weight I’ve noticed several aspects of my health and mental state change. Besides no longer being able to run a distance without becoming completely out of breath, my anxiety has significantly risen. Anxiety over small things like being in public or seeing someone that I haven’t in awhile and the whole time worrying about if they noticed how much weight I gained. I don’t leave the house nearly as much as I used to. I also on occasion experience a shortness of breath and am also worried if my sizeable ass will fit in a roller coaster seat comfortably or not. I am beyond tired all of the time and have little energy to spare. My self-confidence has shrunk as my pants size grew. At events I’d normally be chipper and excited for I overthink everything to the point that I doubt every word that comes out of my mouth as soon as it’s spoken. I then retreat to inside of myself and mentally believe I’ll never be good enough. My favorite hobbies were once reading every fitness magazine and post and show and being so inspired by it! Now I have hidden things so I don’t have to think about how bad I look and how much weight I need to lose. Every happy moment that a friend captured in picture I look at with disgust and remember not of the fun moment, but of how the picture would look better if I wasn’t in it. These thoughts are consistent and overbearing. I want to trust myself again and really believe in myself. I want to do this on my own and prove to myself that I can. I don’t want these thoughts or anxieties to control me anymore. I don’t want to be tired all day. I want to be active and happy. I want to be the person that people can one day look up to. I want to be the person in the room that has such a contagious happiness that people love just being around them. I want to feel sexy again and not constantly wanting to bury myself and disappear in my clothes. I want to stand up and finally fight for myself like I’ve never fought before. I don’t want to be scared anymore. I want to BEAT this once and for all! I want to be happier around Dan and not project my insecurities on him. I want to be excited about working out again. I need to remember how much good it did me and how much bad it took away. I want to fall in love with cooking healthy and delicious meals again and not feel deprived. I don’t want to go back to being the old Anna again…I want to be the new and better Anna. The best me yet! And it starts with writing this down, weighing myself to face the music, strapping on my tennis shoes, and putting one foot in front of the other. Today I also purchased a new workout program in hopes of some added motivation from my favorite fitness lady, Jillian Michaels. I missed her. Time to FIGHT!
Since this entry yesterday I did strap on my shoes and head to the treadmill for 4 miles. They were a very slow 4 miles, but I still did them! I also purchased Jillian Michaels “BodyShred” program and I’m very excited to follow that as I had success with her last program several years ago. I’m thinking about doing a future post of taking pictures of the packaging and showing people exactly what it does for me and post what I find motivating =) This was hard for me to post but I appreciate any of you that are still reading this and want to follow along or need support. My journey continues….
Also if you’d like some additional support like I need, please check out FitShaped by Kelley’s Facebook Page Here: FitShaped by Kelley. She has helped my leaps and bounds throughout the years and I’m so lucky to have her as a friend and supporter.
Also I recently made her Crock Pot Chicken Marsala to try a good and healthy recipe and I highly recommend it!!
Hope you enjoyed and feel free to leave me comments on healthy tips or things you’d like to see in my journey. Happy Friday!!!