It has been about two years since this exact moment in May, but the memory is not one that I’ll soon forget.
As many of my life changing stories start: I was sitting on my parent’s couch. I had grabbed a brown pillow to hold over my mid section so I could try to relax a little. I needed a physical barrier of sorts. A way to unconsciously hide part of myself.
I was the heaviest I had ever weighed, but more than that I was also the saddest I had ever been. My weight was a symptom of a larger problem.
It was Mother’s Day and I was sitting alone with my mom after my other siblings had left. My ex wasn’t there but I felt another fight brewing. I was drained, unhappy, and felt hopeless. I kept a lot of things to myself at the time so I also felt very very alone.
As I sat there in silence, my mom turned to me and gently said, “You seem like you are half dead…”
My feeling of numbness died along with that sentence as I felt the warm tears well up in my eyes. I hadn’t had it put like that to me before. I hadn’t realized anyone even noticed that I was breaking. Hearing those words from my own mother was an eye opener.
“…I feel like I am half dead…” I said before I started fully crying.
The worst part of admitting this out loud was that I had no clue what to even do about it.
This last week marked a full year of being divorced for me. We were separated over half a year longer than that.
When I had moved into my parent’s house temporarily, the very first thing that I did that week was visit the local gym and sign up for a membership. As I was getting a tour of the facility they had introduced me to one of the trainers, Brett, and put me down for the complimentary training session with him later that week. From the first session I had with him where he stated, “We need to work on your confidence,” (which was so right on the money) did I know that he was the trainer for me. I immediately signed up for weekly sessions with him for a year. I still think that was one of the very best things I did for myself at the time.
I had already lost some weight on my own, but was excited for the extra motivation and training to help me with my form as I lifted weights. My trainer also became a counselor of sorts to me, and in the beginning of that rough patch it was the piece of something that I looked forward to again. It gave me hope at a time where hope was hard to come by. I would recommend it to anyone in a heartbeat and given the chance I would do the exact same thing over again.
Fast forward to now, where my year has been up and I work further away and live in a different town, so I don’t have him training me anymore, but I still have that same gym membership and some of the tools he taught me.
I almost hate to talk in terms of weight, because it’s so much more than that, but since that day in May where my mother told me that I looked half dead and now, I’m down 30 pounds. And almost everything has changed. I’m happy again. I know that’s a long time, but with all that has changed in my life I’m still learning to treat myself with a little more kindness and be grateful for where I’m at. I have shown myself that I can maintain….but I’m still not to where I want to, and know, that I can be.
It’s been that little thing that’s been gnawing at me the most lately.
I remind myself of that moment in May often as a place that I do not want to return to. I do a “life check” from time to time to make sure I don’t head in that direction again.
Recently I heard the question, “Are you happy, or are you comfortable?”
For me, this depends on the topic at hand, but for this situation I am playing it too safe. I am too comfortable when it comes to this. It’s time to get more uncomfortable. It’s time to push and make more of a change. My health is something that is very important to me, so it’s time I add it to the top of the priority list again.
I have prayed very strongly about this very topic about a month ago and since that time God has given me all of the signs that this is what I need to drive my energy into. for whatever reason, so I’ve been preparing myself.
A few weeks ago my little brother had asked me to show him how to do a deadlift with my old gym equipment that is still in my parent’s basement. Showing him that one little move started to ignite that flame of wanting to back to the gym consistently again.
In this past week the podcast that I listen to during my drive to work talked about discipline and exercise. The female entrepreneur book that I’m reading talked about self confidence and weight. AND THEN my morning devotional talked about positive affirmations and saying things out loud that you want to come true. I bought these things not expecting that to even be part of the lessons from them, but they all came about in the same week. How crazy is that?! I even had a friend reach out to me recently about her weight struggles and she referenced an old blog post of mine. She was so brave to say how she was feeling. I remembered that admitting out loud that you want to change is always the first step.
Since I got all of these little signs to really make this a priority I have ate more vegetables these last few weeks that I have in months. I downloaded a new workout program for the gym, and even though fear gets in my ear about posting about this very subject, here I am doing it anyway.
I have told myself for months that I couldn’t write about this topic until I’m fully immersed in that lifestyle again. I can’t post about this again in fear of people who might think, “Hasn’t she figured out this weight thing by now?” I don’t want to draw attention to something that feels like I haven’t been the strongest in. And what if I fail again?
And then I stopped myself. I stopped myself and started to try to practice what I preach. Someone else out there is in this same phase as me and for me to skip this part of my journey for want of seeming more put together would be a disservice to both of us. Me, and you, the one reading this, and knowing where I’m at.
Writing about this is putting it back into the world again, and that helps me stay accountable. I’m not lazy. I’m ambitious. I can do this. (Repeat until we believe it.) And above all, I’d rather fail a million times publicly than never take that first step again. I fail a lot because I still try a lot. I hope to not lose that part of me. It’s going to make my success that much more gratifying when it does happen.
So to anyone in a similar place of being too comfortable and not fully happy in an area of your life, I encourage you to do one TINY thing this coming week to change that. One 15 minute walk. Get one salad. Buy one book. Turn a negative thought that you have about yourself into one that is positive. It can be the smallest thing because even the smallest of steps are still forward.
And please, if you have any fitness motivation to spare- help a girl out. I hope to dive into this world more and hope you’ll want to follow along for my continual failures and successes. <3
WE GOT THIS!!!!