Do you ever get that feeling like you just want to run away from it all? Even if only for a little bit? It doesn’t really matter where. It could be anywhere. Well…actually with all of the snow we’ve been getting here in Wisconsin, somewhere a little warmer and with a little less blizzard would be pretty perfect. Maybe it’s just a vacation from your mind. I know how overbearing some negative thoughts can be and it’s truly exhausting. Basic things require too much energy and you feel like you’ve maybe misplaced a part of yourself. Your zest is running on low and you’re not quite sure how to fill it back up.
The past few weeks have been that feeling for me. The reason it’s taken me a while to write this is that I really didn’t want to have to post this at all…but I feel like I need to. Last time I stopped blogging was when I had a lot of struggles going on in my personal life that I wasn’t ready to share at the time, and it caused me to stop doing something that I really love. It was hard for me to post when I wasn’t happy. It was hard to write positive things when I didn’t feel positive inside. Instead, I had just stopped. I don’t want to do that again, so I’m not. I hate to feel like I’m giving you guys a moody side of me, but that side is very real and sometimes very strong. And I feel like if it’s something that is real and a struggle for me, it might be similar for someone else out there reading this. Our struggles may be different, but I hear you.
I think the hardest part of feeling emotional is how much you feel like you could be a burden to someone else. How you tell yourself that you don’t want to trouble any of your friends or family with what’s been going on internally and instead choose to try to fight that battle alone. Fighting the battle alone, as it turns out, makes you feel more alone. It’s a horrible cycle. Until the cycle becomes too much and you end up being the girl bawling in public to a friend. True story. That happened last week. And it was embarrassing. But probably needed. (At least that’s what I’m telling myself.)
I know there are going to be friends out there reading this and wondering why I didn’t reach out. I’ll tell you right now: It’s not you. It’s me. It’s not wanting to ruin good things for other people, which I know is mainly imagined now, but hard to tell yourself that while you are in it.
Do you guys wanna know what I heard the most when I started to try to let people know that I was having a hard time? “You hide it really well.” And you know what? Hearing that multiple times actually scared me a little. I think that it can be a good thing depending…but with how low I was feeling and no one could tell, it was just a reminder that I truly have to take care of myself. Be my own advocate. And push myself even when I don’t want to. Sometimes the hardest thing is reaching out. It leaves you vulnerable at a time where you already feel so very fragile.
I had been contemplating how to write down how I was feeling when something perfect happened. I was at this coffee shop with my friend Melissa in Indiana (this is one of the things that helped pull me up through my funk and help tame that run away bug- I will post about this experience shortly in the future here) when she took this photo of me:
(Side Note: Melissa is the best life wing woman ever. Every lady needs a Melissa. She got photos of me for my blog and I didn’t even ask. She’s wonderful.)
Afterwards, she showed me the picture and we agreed on how we liked how it looked like everything was moving around me, and I was just there and standing still with my coffee. Sometimes art really has a way of holding the mirror up. To sum up how I’ve been feeling lately: Life has been moving all around me and I’ve been still. Not moving forward. Not moving backward. But still. Too still for me. So still that I feel behind. And that has gotten me down a bit.
What has helped me through this lately? I finally did make that call and reach out. And it helped enormously. I made a trip. I did something that scared me a little. I went outside of my comfort zone. Anything to help me feel again. My mom had given me the best piece of advice when I opened up to her. “Anna, lean into your music. Take comfort in it. That always helps you.” And she was right. Besides finding new songs that speak to me and playing music more, I’ve made plans to see a live show this week and I’m excited about it. I’m not feeling completely myself still, but I’m trying and I feel like that counts for something.
Anyone else finding themselves standing too still and not know what to do about it? Reach out. Someone else might be feeling the same way and need that little reminder that they aren’t alone either. Remind yourself of what makes you happy, even if it’s small, and try to do it. And above all, remind yourself that you are standing. Still. Even after all of this time. <3
P.s. Don’t let anyone steal your joy.