As we dive into the New Year I find it fitting to do a recap of certain unfortunate events that took place this past year. Moments that I would soon forget but for some reason cannot due to the full flushed face embarrassment I get whenever even thinking about one of these. Mind you, these are only moments that happened within 2015 and the library of awkward moments throughout my life is expansive and overflowing. Most likely if you know me well you will probably have a story or two of your own to reminisce about whether it be the time I ate a huge scoop of wasabi thinking it was avocado, got my heel stuck under a golf cart gas pedal and couldn’t stop resulting in a almost crash, or misinterpreting a lyric from a song at my wedding that said, “shoes with the pumps” and then wearing red pumps FOR my wedding…. It happens. A LOT. So, it is with great hesitation that I bring to you:
My Top 5 Embarrassing Moments of 2015!
5. I’m starting with the least embarrassing of these as a way to slowly guide myself into the more awkward moments of the year. Number 5 was actually not so bad, I’ll admit. The week that I received my new phone, and have since made a more secure lock for it, I didn’t realize how easily one could accidently turn it on by swiping the camera feature. More alarmingly how easily one could also turn on the record feature. When Dan and I had arrived at our destination after a 40 minute car ride I went to go fish my phone out of my purse and the screen was on…and my phone was super warm. I saw that the camera feature was recording and it was on for 38 minutes….I had to hit pause before I could see what it was…Ladies and gents it was 38 minutes of car jams sung by yours truly. When I hit the playback button and realized that I don’t sound quite as good as Sir Mix-a-lot or Methods of Mayhem as I had hoped. In fact, I was in a slap happy state of singing so it was really just plan BAD. And the variety of songs I had listened to that night from my iPod just made it worse. Dan got a great laugh out of it before I quickly deleted the video so no one could ever again hear or see me kick around my purse to Ludo’s “Whipped Cream” or belt”Gravity” by Sara Bareilles…It also made me realize that maybe I should let Dan have some control of the car radio sometimes…maybe…
4. There is an older lady that frequents the area around my house to talk about her religion door to door. In the years that I’ve lived with Dan she has stopped by several times to spread the word…I have nothing bad to say about anyone’s religion…that’s their own business…but I do have to say that she comes usually at the worst possible times. The first few occasions she brought her cute little granddaughter who kept complimenting my pretty cat Sassy, which obviously made me okay with the situation. Since then she has brought her daughter, husband, other grandkid, and then her grandson along each time she stops by. Me, being the huge wuss that I am, hasn’t the heart to tell her that I would hope that she wouldn’t stop here again, which is truthfully what I wish for. I was casually sipping on my warm cup of coffee and reading my “Self” magazine this fine Saturday morning while adorned in my very short and fuzzy Hello Kitty PJ shorts and wearing a black tank top without a bra anywhere in the vicinity. It was a Saturday morning after all, and I was not expecting any visitors. I also didn’t have an ounce of makeup on my face, which is a horror story waiting to happen. I sat on our living room couch peacefully when I saw the feet approaching the house from the front facing window. Before I could move and run for the hills (due to my scanty attire) my cat ran to the window to see who was approaching. That’s when the lady leaned down to look at the cat and then made eye contact with me through my front window. I sat frozen to my couch when I saw another pair of sneakers follow her up the steps to my front door. ::DING DONGGGGG:: “Oh my God,” I thought. I carefully set the coffee down and sucked up my pride to get up and answer the door. She already saw me. It was inevitable. I opened the door and she gaped wide eyed at my ensemble and then turned to her grandson who looked to be about 15 years old. That poor kid. She stuttered for a moment before she found her gripping. “This really isn’t a good time,” I said when she finally paused. I tugged at the bottom of my shorts and adjusted my tank top. She didn’t take no for an answer. By the end of this spectacle she was almost all of the way into my house due to her “faulty knee” and had me reading her literature out loud because her eyesight “wasn’t the best.” Afterwards there was a moment of silence where we all stared at one another, me still being embarrassed, and created a complete triangle of silent awkwardness. She left shortly after that. She has come back since but thankfully Dan was person home the last time.
3. I’m gonna go ahead and preface this by saying that I’ve never flipped someone the bird before or since this next event. I was driving home from a friend’s house one spring day when I found myself cruising along the highway at a steady 5 miles over the speed limit. In the left lane I saw a car approaching quickly behind me so I got over in the right lane as to let them pass me. As they started to near I could feel the car that was once speeding slow down to keep pace next me for a beat and then speed up. After they passed I got back over into the left lane again. That’s when the mother trucker slowed WAY the heck down and was going 2 miles under the speed limit. I had to tap the breaks before getting back over in the right lane as to pass this car that seemingly had no idea how to drive. Once in the right lane again I sped up to the normal speed and the car stayed right in sync with me. I slowed down. They slowed down. I sped up. They sped up. There was no chance of me getting back over, which was where I needed to be since the highway divided up ahead. My anger increasingly grew and grew before I finally looked over and threw up my left hand like, “Are you an idiot?!” And guess what?? The guy was SMILING at me!!! He thought this was funny!!! Not to me!! In anger I threw up my left hand in a defiant gesture of the middle finger variety and furrowed my face. When I looked over at him his smile disappeared and he slowed way down and I resumed my travels home. It was only after that moment of anger that I realized….I knew that guy that I had just flicked off…and he was trying to get my attention to say hi…::face palm:: If you are reading this…I am sorry…
2. This one happened fairly recently and although I consider it to be one of the most embarrassing moments for me personally, not many people witnessed it so it’s not number 1. But it still causes my palms to get sweaty and me to severely cringe. The day that Star Wars premiered in movie theaters was a big day in our household. Dan was beyond excited and we had tickets to see it on a Dreamlounger in 3D at around 7pm. In my excitement I had dressed in my new Darth Vader hat and dress to celebrate. I had to meet Dan at the theater that night and when I arrived the parking lot was PACKED as I should have expected. I parked near the very back and called Dan to come meet me. He told me just to walk in toward the front to meet him. For a normal person this seems fine and dandy, but I have slight anxiety when it comes to huge crowds and being by myself (mainly walking into bars initially…being super honest here) so I tried to make the trip into the theater as quick and painless as possible which was half running with my head down. Several people left talking about the movie and I tried to tune them out so I didn’t accidentally hear a spoiler. As I approached the front doors there were three men leaving the theater around my age as I was entering. As I passed them one of the guys said, “Hey fox! Come talk to us!” I didn’t even look up as I got inside the building. When Dan found me he asked if everything was okay because I looked worried. “Sorry, just need a minute.” I said.”My anxiety is kinda high right now….This guy just said to me, ‘Hey fox! Come talk to us!’…There was like 3 of them…and I know it sounds stupid…but….” Dan’s laughing interrupted me. I looked up. “What’s so funny?” He pointed his finger to the front entrance and kept laughing. I followed his gaze right to….The Fox 6 news van…..And died a little inside. “They meant Fox 6! HAHAHA!!!!” Dan continued. My face warmed significantly and I told him to never bring it up again because I was so embarrassed at this mishap. Approximately 10 minutes later I let myself laugh over it. Hard. Because guys, that was pretty darn embarrassing to me.
- And finally my NUMBER ONE embarrassing moment this year! If you are still reading, I love you. And thanks for not judging me for all of these epic fails. THIS one still keeps me humble. As I visited my friend Crystal in Green Bay this summer we had decided to go to the restaurant “Fazoli’s” to get our breadstick game on. After eating and nice conversation I slid out of the red booth that we were sitting in and made my way around the restaurant to find the garbage can to dump and place my tray on. That’s one lap around the restaurant. I then walked back the booth, got my tray and purse and made my way back up to the front to the garbage. That’s two laps. As I was placing my tray on the top of the garbage I heard a lady from three rows of booths away start to say, “Ma’am….Ma’am….” I didn’t think she was talking to me until she half yelled, “MA’AM!” and I finally looked over at her. She nodded her head when I looked at her, almost approving that she finally got my attention….”Ummm….Your skirt is up in the back….” Horrified I pushed the back of my skirt down as to cover my exposed underwear that I had displayed for the entire restaurant…TWICE!….Goodness. The lady then said, “If it were me I’d wanna know. If it were me.” I thanked her over and over as me and Crystal left the restaurant in a hurry. Once in the parking lot we both busted out laughing, because really laughing is all you can do sometimes. And since that day I have been wearing leggings under that particular skirt. But goodness….